Visiting my oncologist to get answers I desperately need for closure

Getting answers and closure from my oncologist

My previous post, as you probably realize and I hope, understand, was written with frustration. I don’t regret posting it, and my criticism is still not directed at this oncologist. It’s the system that is faulty. It’s absolutely unacceptable to figure out that I might have brain damage, after twelve years.

In writing about my experiences, I have realized I have many gaps in my memory. As I have mentioned, I am not looking at my old medical records myself, I get help from relatives. Many doctors have advised me against reading them on my own and I know why, because I tried a few times. Those times, I ended up writing nothing, as I was overwhelmed by emotions just reading it.

Picture of me, Erik. Looking for answers, and closure.
I really do need closure.

Writing about my experiences is difficult for me, emotionally. In this book, I’m going into more detail, the turn of events, how I eventually broke down. I haven’t written in such detail here as I simply did not have the strength and now that I do, I realize it’s not fit for a blog. There are two exceptions where I did go into more detail on this blog, it’s the pancreatitis and the mouth infection – but even those are missing a lot.

Most of these answers I am looking for are irrelevant to the book, they’re only relevant to me, for me to move on, finally, after all these years. If I were to bring up everything that I started to remember during this process of writing the book (which is at 35k words now, all proof-read once), it would simply be too much. I have to know for myself though. Still, I am finding it exceptionally difficult to move on, as things like these keep happening. Still, I need closure.

The system is broken, yet I depend on it and the public is unaware

I am not sure how I will go about handling this, honestly. I am critical of how poorly the system works and I am anything but happy about how it could take twelve years to figure out that I may have brain damage, but her only response last time was simply, “but that’s how the system is”, when I criticised the system.

If her response is, “it’s how the system is”, my response would be, “we need to change it because it’s broken”. But there are no reports on this, the public is unaware, and as long as the people do not know or care, those in charge will not either. This means we’re stuck, we’re not getting anywhere, there’s no progress.

I honestly am starting to feel desperate, at this rate, nothing will change. Yet, I hope to have some good news with me back tomorrow. I need closure after all these years.

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