Maxa Livet-project weekend
Last weekend I went to a workshop with the Swedish Childhood Cancer Foundation and their project Maxa Livet. It had an unfortunate theme – basically a workshop to learn how to find a job. You’ll see why this wasn’t the greatest theme for me down below. Either way, I met the lovely people there, as always, me and another attendee had a very long talk and it was awesome. We also went to an amusement-park, Liseberg. It was walking distance from our hotel. (The pictures are at the bottom!)
They had one ride that was like a swing, called Loke, we sat on a circular platform that started to spin as well. This swing didn’t stop where a normal swing would, obviously. It went a lot further, I’m not 100 % sure, but I think we were almost upside down. It was a bit hard to tell though, spinning, swinging all at once… They had a rollercoaster as well, which I tried also. I liked it better than the other ride. They had an even more extreme rollercoaster, but it was closed. Next time. Then after that, I want to go bungie jumping and then skydive. I’m a former adrenaline junky who finally relapsed after 14-15 years! Awesome weekend!
The Little People and Romania
Out of the blue, a few weeks ago, I was invited to go to Romania for a Gala organised by The Little People. I had to be at the airport at 4 AM, since my flight departed at 6. I had to go up at 2:30. Yay me! As I mentioned in an earlier post, I was invited to attend this years Survivorship Gala (which celebrates its 10-year anniversary!) since I’m active in Youth Cancer Europe. As I said then, when I got the invitation, I feel honoured and humbled to be invited to attend this event, and I’m glad that I get to attend. I’ll get to meet up with some of the other active members of YCE. Hopefully, it’ll be the last push we need to get the blog up and running – and move on to video- and audio-content down the road.
As much as I’m looking forward to this, as much as I looked forward to, and enjoyed this past weekend, my depression is back in full force, unfortunately. This due to the fact that I’m in a situation where I’m about to lose all of my income from Försäkringskassan. It’s a national health insurance fund, meant for those who can’t work due to an illness. Some might call it welfare; we don’t though, there are two separate systems.
Up until now, I’ve been considered a young adult. However, I turn 30 in January, meaning I’ll have to apply for these funds on a different level. A more difficult level. There are so many messed up things about this… First of all, they tossed the first application, it was basically terrible. Apparently, if you mention rehabilitation, Försäkringskassan will assume this rehab will make you able to work full-time unless otherwise stated. Secondly, I didn’t have specific diagnoses for all my health issues. Everyone knew about them, it was just that no one ever actually wrote the damn code for them down… It’s bureaucracy at its finest.
My depression is back
I’m making one post for three different things, but it’s because of my depression. It’s draining for me to write right now.
Anyway, my GP has now written another form/note, which is far more thorough. This time, my oncologist was meant to help my GP (and help me, ultimately). I say “meant” to help, because she did the opposite. I’d told my GP (although not the oncologist) there could be no loopholes, everything had to be ironclad, I’ve tried ever since 2006 to get better, but I haven’t. Why’d it change now? I was worried that Försäkringskassan wouldn’t be satisfied with looking at this decade of struggle, because I didn’t work; I studied. So, what did my oncologist do? She clarified loud and clear, that she has been trying to get me rehab and also for someone to evaluate how much I can work, but to no avail. I was clear, there can be no loopholes, no doubt. She basically confirmed and wanted to clear up that my future is unclear. When she told me this on the phone I died a little inside. This is her job, but I’ll have to pay the price for her incompetence. According to someone that knows something about the system, I’d have gotten my application approved. As long as the note/form from the doctor was good.
My depression is back, and it’s no longer tied to this whole thing alone. Even if I get approved, I’m still depressed and I will be. I don’t look like it, but this depression is bad.
I finally had an appointment last week with the psychiatric unit, with a new psychiatrist. I asked for a new one before summer by phone. The nurse said she’d pass it on to her boss. She never did. I only called once though, so I have only myself to blame – or so it seems in our current society. Once I got in contact with them a few months ago, it took about two months to get an appointment. They started talking about adding more medications. I suggested ECT, Electroconvulsive therapy. They said it’d help with the issues I have. Yet, they doubted whether or not I was as depressed as I said I was… I explained to her how good I am at hiding it; I hope I got through to her. Who would fake a depression to get ECT-treatment? I hope they’ll realise this.
I refuse to add another medication. I’m on three antidepressants, one stronger medication, two antihistamines and melatonin for my sleep…
Although a broken system has made my depression return, I’d like to leave things on a positive note this time. I’ll end by posting some pictures of some of the attendees at the latest Maxa Livet-event. As well as myself. It appears as though I’m very bad at faking a smile when I’m depressed. (Only the smiles for the camera were fakes though, the ones I experienced with the other members were genuine. On some picture I was laughing as well)
I’ll also have plenty of photographs and memories from from my (still on-going) trip to Romania!