It started with cancer and it never seems to end

It feels like I’ve reached a point in my depression where the depression is no longer the main issue. This is great news of course – it means the medications are working and I am no longer as depressed. There’s of course always something that I’m not happy with. No, that’s not entirely true, or at least not more true in my case than anyone else’s. My issue now is the extreme lack of energy I’m experiencing. It doesn’t make me depressed in the way it did before when I didn’t get enough sleep; it’s more of a frustration than anything else. I could be more, do more, but without energy you don’t get far. I’m also experiencing many of the same side effects I did before from the antidepressants, in addition to another one, namely a perceived increase in body temperature. It’s quite cool in my room but I can’t even have clothes on and I even had to bring the fan back in, which I normally only use during summer.

The problem is that I can’t determine whether my lack of energy stems from the antidepressants or the antianxiety medications – or if it’s fatigue. Trying to evaluate it is simply impossible at this stage. The other side effects are more plausible to be caused by the antidepressants though, which means I might have to make a decision. Either I try another antidepressant or I stick with this one. Switching antidepressants seems risky but it might also be necessary – then again, the other antidepressant might not work as well or have more side effects.

It’s not very fun to wake up at 8AM or so, and be too tired to do anything by that requires focus for more than three hours, four hours – and then be tired for the rest of the day.

I’m trying not to think about it, but all this was set in motion by a doctor who didn’t care enough to follow up on me when I quit with the medication I’m now to quit with again. It seems like an endless stream of diseases, illnesses and mistakes that slowly chips away my life. It has been more than four months now since I quit with the medication. As I’ve said, all he had to do was to follow up with me, or have someone else do it. It’s far easier for them to call me, than for me to call them. As I’ve said before, I’ve already reported him for what happened, but my faith in IVO isn’t exactly very strong.

Once again, I’m waiting to get better, because at this stage it’s all I’m able to do. Well, that and spend what little energy I have on blogging, trying to reach out. I just feel the days pass by, turning to weeks, months. Eventually years. I did nothing wrong, I followed the instructions – yet it is my time fading into nothing, it is I who must deal with the new medications and its side effects, and do everything all over again. I’m trying to look forward, but when forward means months of struggling, it’s difficult not to look back at the thing causing it in the first place – especially considering how easily this disaster could have been avoided.

I’m really not trying to be a role model of positivity – if you want that, there are other blogs. Sometimes, you don’t just have a bad day – you have a bad month, with a good day, if you’re lucky. Sometimes, you’ll have a bad year, with a few good days. It’s just reality.

For the time being I’m essentially too tired to do anything once I’m done blogging – which is my passion and feel is the most important thing for me at this stage. I play a little bit of videogames to keep myself a bit active though.

In regard to all those out there who believe those who play games are lazy, you’re wrong. It takes a lot of focus and energy to solve the problems a videogame throws at you. It requires skill, patience, good reflexes, hand-eye coordination, strategy and problem solving. In some genres, one skill is more important than the other.

Picture of Persona 5

No, those who play videogames aren’t lazy – I can attest to that. I’d like nothing more than to just play a game after I was done blogging (except for doing something to make progress in m life), immerse myself in the game. I even bought a new TV now – my old one was broken. Until the next thing, OLED and HDR is the future. Why aren’t I playing videogames all day? Because it takes a lot of energy and effort. If you want to point fingers at someone who’s lazy, it’s those watching TV or movies all day – like I usually end up doing. You’re passive and don’t do anything, really.

I’m just so tired, unbelievably tired. I had to take help from my family to hook the TV up and sort the cables. I helped my friend push the TV into the car and that tired me out. Even looking at them hooking the damn TV up makes me tired. Having people help you do things so you don’t have to, as I’ve said before, might seem like a dream to those who could but don’t want to. To those of us who can’t do it ourselves, it simply confirms that we’re dependant on others.

I simply want more out of life than to constantly be sick and tired. I could do more – I may be uneducated but I’m not unintelligent. Without the energy though, what can I do? I’ll keep blogging, fight for change and hope someone listens, while I get my medications in order – hopefully I’ll have more energy then. I do get better, perhaps not by the day, but by the week, so soon, I hope.

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